B# or Ship Out

I'm listening to "John Coltrane's My Favourite Things" right now. The beginning sent chills up my arms for some reason (Auditory overload? Amazing music? Both?). But then ... it dropped away a mere minute into the composition. I only have my implant on not my hearing aid, so that could be why. But it strikes me as odd.

What I've really found though, is it takes my brain time to ADJUST. Even if I take it out to check the volume and then put it back on moments after I've taken it out, sound composition drops dramatically until my brain has had time to adjust. It seems odd that I couldn't just jump right back into it but it also makes sense.

I tried it with Ian's iphone, which he wasn't certain if the cord fit the Iphone properly enough to deliver the best sound. I think he said this right after I said things sounded HIGH and oddly distorted. I thought, "Oh no. What if it isn't the cord? I'm not going to say anything..." He turned up the music slowly and then all of a sudden, I pulled my implant out FAST. The sound had increased from a comfortable level to suddenly a painful one, piping into my head and it HURT. After that, Ian had me adjust the volume by myself because he didn't want to hurt me.

I remarked to him that I would for sure have to find a way to "lock" my ipod touch's volume because I can see myself grabbing it and accidentally sliding the volume up and blasting my auditory nerve with painful sound!

Notably, it cannot destroy my hearing or nerves but it HURTS so if it hurts, it follows that nobody would want to do it!

My natural biological capability for music has been substituted by a bionic ear, so of course.... Of course it sounds ODD. The first time I heard a song and tried to really listen, it sounded high-pitched and tinny. The Beatles' Blackbird sounds downright distorted. Where's the metronome? It's no longer razor-sharp clear, distinctly and easily picked out of the song. Even with the hearing aid in and the implant, it sounds HIGH and hardly what I'd call "music."

However, I CAN hear melodies now with most songs. This was a HUGE surprise because I wasn't even listening for it. I was sitting in Ian's darkened music room and oh, it was SWEET. The notes soared up and down distinctively and I finally, for the FIRST time, understood the concept of melody first-hand. I had understood the definition and concept but it was like being told what stars look like without having ever seen them.

Before, I could kind of understand why the melody is "so essential" but didn't really CARE. But... Music suddenly makes so much more sense now. I happily told Ian, "So this is how you hum songs! You follow the melody!" He looked surprised, as if it were common sense..... and of course it is for most people.

I had always thought you hummed just by following the notes and making the timing right, which IS the definition of melody in a sense.... but I had never been able to truly hear the distinctiveness of NOTES in... holy crap, a complex sequence of music.

I think this is one reason why I liked classical music- because it has NOTHING else mixed in with it. It's simply one instrument, usually, and that instrument plays its own notes and nothing else. I have always liked a great variety of music though- but to me it was kind of just like "nice" sounds or "pretty" sounds that seemed pleasant. Again, that could be a definition, yes, but there's SO much more to a star than it just being "a light in the sky."

I took off my implant and listened to a Weezer song with my hearing aid. It was shockingly flat, dull, and empty. I had NEVER noticed that music was simply.... boring with my hearing aid on. It wasn't, of course, but with the implant out the quality and amount I get seems boring now.

I was just always happy I COULD hear and appreciate music to a degree. I've always loved music; my parents were always playing music or instruments and I was always playing around with instruments or dancing. But now I have to laugh at what I comprehended as music. With the implant on AND the hearing aid... oooh. It's so much more distinct. Terrible in some ways, (the high pitches leap out sometimes in some songs, Beatles make NO sense, when my brain is still "warming up" to a song it can take a minute to kick in and make sense, etc) but marvelous in other ways (Melody is FINDABLE which is AMAZING to me!, music seems way more 3D and more complex, and so on...)

I heard stereo for possibly the first time in my life. Left side was the voice while right side was the instruments.... and I went, "Huh. That's an interesting way to arrange it." My initial impression was, "This IS cool and it DOES help. But in a way, I prefer hearing it together, since the implant filters all sound directly to my brain anyway." It'd depend, I guess.

Having my hearing aid on in my right ear helps a TON and adds more "life" and sense to what I'm hearing with my bionic left ear.

My brain likes simple songs right now- because I like the practice of being able to pick out sounds and melodies. I WANT to leap into "complex" songs but I plan to listen to songs like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as well. That might help a bit. I don't understand how people have such an expansive HUGE music memory at times- how can they pick out which melody a song is from when there's millions of songs out there? I wonder, will my brain ever be able to?

Part of me thinks it will in some cases, because I already am learning what sounds go with what things but I fear that I will lose that sense of knowledge with each new mapping (calibration for my new ear and software!) that I get, since sounds DO change with mappings.

Ian helps a lot by showing me which instruments are playing AS the song is playing which helps a TON because I have something to match with, to what I'm hearing. I don't know how people just naturally develop it, because while I CAN separate the elements a lot easier and find the melody, I find that it helps to such an amazing degree to have Ian tell me what's going on with the instruments/vocals.

It makes me wish I had somebody to walk with me all day and go, "This is what you're hearing!" I walk on the streets without my hearing aid on and just the implant and I hear really odd high pitched noises that I can't pinpoint to anything specific. I turn around, I look upwards, I stop walking, and still it continues and I can't find what it is.

But! One amazing thing was I was walking down the street and I saw a bus about 30 feet from me and I HEARD the doors shut. I knew instinctively it was the door. I didn't have to see the door to know it was the door. I'm not sure if it was my hearing aid, the implant, or the combination of both but it sure seemed louder and clearer and from across the street on top of that! So I chalked it up to the implant. Score.

I will keep you all up to date on how I'm doing with music!

Posts to Come: (A reminder for myself)

*Nerves
*Mapping #2
*Sounds I like/dislike/notice
*Ipod contents
*Pitch perception test.... take #1 after the implant.

Activation Day!

So, I got my nifty new ear turned on today. It was a rough morning due to me trying to make it there on time but that doesn't matter- what matters is... well, my initial impressions! I'm sure you're all curious. So here I go-

It is now about 12 hours since I officially became bionic. It started off quite unpredictably-because there were no bells or whistles (Both figuratively and in my head!). I was just talking to my mom and Tina was fiddling with the computer. With no warning, I heard a bunch of high pitched noises- VERY high. I kept signing to my mom for a few moments before I realized, "Hey, I'm hearing things!" It wasn't AMAZING but at the same time it was.


It was 100% PURE sound. Not amplified sound or vibrations. It was undeniably IN my head. I couldn't have mistaken it for vibrations, like I was told some people get instead of sound, when they're first activated. It was high pitchedness running through my synapses at thousands of rates per second..

My poor brain was just reeling to the tune of ...well, no tune. Just crazy beeps! And my emotion was, "Thank God it works!" and then, "I don't want to be a downer but I really hope it gets better than this?? What I'm hearing is downright weird. It's nothing like my hearing aid!"
I became elated, though, when Tina stopped the computer programming (those crazy beeps! I was eager to hear OTHER sounds). She let my ear loose into the "real world" that was pen tapping, her talking, my knuckles popping, and.... that forever elusive Sound. What sound? Well, it's been one I've been chasing for a long time, forever disappointed when even as loud as people were making it, my ears still couldn't cross that bridge. Oh, the bridge was there- or perhaps it was finally completed when I got my implant- but either way, I found the elusive "Shhh."

I was already excited when I heard how LOUD the pen cap was and how it seemed to "make sense." It wasn't some high pitched noise- it just sounded like a pen cap. Mind you though, it's VERY different than hearing with a hearing aid. The hearing aid's sounds seem to "make more sense" than the implant.

The implant sounds VERY artificial and I miss the not-so-subtle hum of traffic. With only the implant in and no hearing aid, I no longer hear the generalized sounds of the world around me- traffic humming, people talking indistinctly, and general atmosphere sounds. I hear on a microscopic level. Why are pencils scratching coming to me better than anything else? Odd. I miss it a lot, but I keep sighing in relief that I still have my right ear to slip a hearing aid in lovingly, if ever the artificialness becomes too much for me. But it hasn't happened yet.

Okay, it has crossed my mind once or twice... or maybe quite a few times. But I refuse to give in. The magnet remains clipped to my head, bonding to its unseen twin on the other side of my skin. Sounds are odd, but sound is SOUND. It is rich.

It was wildly odd to hear myself laugh and talk- it was so unexpectedly painfully high that I automatically tried to lower my pitch. I trust that I will learn how to do this in time; for I finally HEAR just how different it is from others' voices. My own voice makes me want to wince. Others' voices, however, do not bother me. I delight in hearing the subtleties. I heard whistling clearly and my knuckles popping (sorry, it's a bad habit I continue to entertain)- for the first time in my life, perhaps.

As for that "Shhh" sound, I asked Tina what the main "6 ling sounds" were and I was secretly afraid I wouldn't be able to hear them when she said them. Eee, shh, and oo are three of them. I heard ALL of them. Crystal clear as if it were a crystal glass shattering on a stone floor. Shhhhh.......perhaps one of the best things I've heard in my whole life, no kidding.

I was reiterant with the happily elated statement, "In all my 19 years it has never been that clear or distinct to me!"

What else did I hear? My sidekick phone sliding open! Woah! What a weird sound and yes, annoying. But not annoying enough to stop me from happily closing and opening it repeatedly. Who would have thought it was THAT loud? My mom asked if I could hear the keys; I couldn't. But as I type right now, I hear it. I hear myself blowing out air. Again, who would've thought it was THAT loud?

Color me surprised. What else.... paper! Paper.... UGH. Oh, and I heard the difference between my shoes hitting carpet and the metal lining on the stairs when I was running up my summer place's stairs. I fear trying my sax in a way because of the many ways it could pierce my nerves, yet I am very excited to try. I haven't listened to music deliberately yet- I think I'll save that for a time when I can be with Ian. Just as long as he doesn't play the banjo! Now, he has wonderful musical skills but with a hearing aid, I dislike the banjo at close range. I am curious at so many things- will my taste in the banjo change, being one of them.

My mom was thrilled and surprised I could hear. My sister and I shared a few minutes of bellyaching laughter when my mom excitedly asked, "Can you hear this?" and then said, "Yeees" very quietly but she slid her tongue over her lips, accidentally making a weird expression in the process. My sister and I couldn't hear the "Yees" and both of us only saw her tongue sliding over her lips. Confused, Tori and I stared at each other and both erupted into insane laughter that evolved into tears as we both went, "Mom! We can't hear your TONGUE on your lips!"

I then told my sister, "Ooo, I can hear this; can you?" while rubbing my fingers together- except they weren't together at all. It was just air between them. We cracked up again at the thought of such Tao-like sounds becoming vastly within my reach. With extraordinary hearing like that, I would easily hear sounds no human has ever heard before.

But? Some of the giddiness vanished when I was hit hard with CRUCIAL Lesson Number 1 of using an implant when I wasn't even out of the hospital parking yet! I was fiddling with my implant because I wanted the volume louder, while my mom was paying the parking fee.

I put it on and immediately within a timespan of perhaps 2.6 seconds I got the worst shock to my poor brain and auditory nerve ever. It was beyond rock-concert and jackhammer right by your ears while you're holding a megaphone to your ears loud. Instinctively, I grabbed the implant off my head as fast as I could and screamed, "SHIT!" which reverberated in the cold underground of the parking lot. Thankfully, I couldn't hear my high pitched scream or I would've probably fallen to my knees. Tears welled in my eyes involuntarily. I thought of much worse four letter words while trembling inwardly at the other thought in my head- "How the HELL do I put this back on my head after THAT?!"

My mom and sister jumped and my mom immediately scolded me for my hardly eloquent nor verbose expression of pain/shock but softened after I told her what had happened. I put it back on with much caution.

During lunch, I was subtly disappointed. My mom said it was so loud that she couldn't hear HERSELF talk but I thought, "It isn't loud in here yet I can't hear her.... and I miss the sounds of people talking, etc, that I'm used to getting when I walk into this pizza parlor."

Lesson Number Two: No, I don't hear the humming of cars or my favorite "environmental noises" that I have become so keenly attuned and used to. No, sound does NOT make much sense right now. It all almost sounds the same- a weird high pitched sound, unless I actually listen to differentiate. Water running sounds high pitched. Silverware? High pitched but worse than water. Tinfoil? Like chewing it, except in hearing form. And MUCH higher than the water. But, I remain hopeful and intrigued.

I still steel my mental muscles as hard as they can firm themselves, when I bring the magnet close to my head and then that moment where sound leaps brilliantly into my head. The sounds- so HIGH pitched and distinct, yet for this first day, seeming as though it's only caused by two SMALL things (at the most) that would hardly raise any notice to anyone else- instead of the full range of things that cause sound.

I am going to ask Tina, for sure, to lock it so it can't go full volume by accident and give me temporary Tourette's Syndrome again.

Quiet rooms are the only rooms I will put my implant on in before venturing out to the real world, right now, otherwise it is like plunging into an icy cold lake of sound. I look around with caution- somebody might be moving silverware which is not something I want to hear right when I put it on. It might feel good after the fact, but during the fact, it only feels unpleasant.

But it is not enough to deter me from wanting to see if I will hear cars again, and IN combination with my magnificent newly-heard sounds! Perhaps I will wear my hearing aid and my implant both, but right now I am only using the implant so my brain can't jump to its preferred default.

I plan to try and see if I can do the pitch test soon, but one thing I'll say- it IS tiring which I didn't expect! But I don't tire of showing off to people just what I can hear and finding out more and more, through their questions, of just what I CAN hear and decode.

I'm going to go poke at my sister's guinea pigs right now and see if I can evoke the whistling and squeaks that I have never heard clearly before in my life. =)

Cyborgically Yours!

Sleep Well? Hardly, but amusing anyway

So, I have a long history of having nightmares or downright bizarre (but usually amusing) dreams. It's like my subconscious really likes to regurgitate little thoughts and fragments from my day and spin out a really crazy vivid dream.

I thought I'd share all of the dreams I've had about cochlear implants so far. There's only been two, but when I think about it, I think that some of the regular dreams/nightmares (after the 2nd dream about implants) have had me with a cochlear implant. (Like it's a normal thing!) So I think my mind has somewhat adjusted to that aspect of "identity change" or whatever you would call it. It's really cool, because in the dreams I remember vaguely thinking, "Huh, I have an implant in...." and then just accepting it.

So, the first dream I had was very simple. It was Activation Day! So the audiologist told me to put the processor on, and I did. But it was odd because it hurt a little. The magnet was pressed against my head SO hard that it was ridiculous! The audiologist explained that it was normal and that I wouldn't notice after awhile. The processor was numbing my head a little! I asked, "Should it really be this magnetically tight though?" Then, I just said, "I don't care though. I'm glad because I'll hear! That's what matters!" So Tina turned on the computer and I heard long beeps and the implant pressed against my head even tighter and I woke up!

The second one was about two weeks or so after this one, and it was about two days or so after I had seen this really funny zombie movie called Fido. In it, zombies come to life but are capable of being controlled by wearing a special collar. There was a character in it who actually loved his zombie, but the rest treated their zombies as pets or slaves.

So, the dream was essentially like Fido, except instead of zombies it was robots/cyborgs. More robots though. And at one point, I informed my mom, "Some people LOVE their robots. You know, like actually love them..." and my mom went, "Eww! That's so wrong! That's weird."

I could understand someone becoming attached to anything.

But then somehow it turned into being a bit offended and going, "Well, Mom, I'm a CYBORG and you aren't complaining about people loving me."

Suddenly, all the people that had been around us gathered together and others joined a big MOB formed. They started getting crazy and shouting, "She's a cyborg! Collar her! Get her under control!"

My boyfriend showed up and said this line we both think is really funny (from an anime called Fooly Cooly). "Mixing robots and cyborgs up is a common mistake."

He then calmed the crowd down and insisted it'd make a good movie, so he and I grabbed video cameras and started filming people who, in turn, started "acting." Peace and understanding prevailed. :P

Note: I posted a blog for May 29th that I hadn't gotten around to posting yet! But a question in it was: other than recording what sounds used to sound like to you and keeping a blog, what else did you do or wished you had done, BEFORE you got the implant??

And if you don't wish you had recorded what sounds used to sound like to you, is it because you easily remember what they used to sound like? And are you now forgetting and having them replaced with what you hear with the CI now?

Also, I will comment you all back! Sorry for my lateness :) I really appreciate all your input/thoughts/experiences

Edit::: July 2nd, the first full day with the implant, I had a dream while taking a nap on my couch. I dreamed essentially, that my head hurt REALLY bad due to a bag of radioactive magnets (?!) that an "evil scientist" had brought into the room. I hung it up so I would know where it was and so I could keep away from it, and then I kept thinking, "The other side of my head hurts too! The magnet in my head is REALLY reacting badly, isn't it?" I woke up and realized my right side (non-implant side) was on the couch's sharp corner and that the fan was whirring which hurt the left side thus contributing to the all-over headache and head pain! No radioactive magnets here, folks.

The Dilemma!.... Solved!

The more I read on the differences between the Nucleus Freedom and the Harmony, the more I truly realized that even though the professionals say, "It doesn't really matter which one you pick," that it does to me. It really really does, because not only am I trusting my ear to a company, but I am also trusting in the fact they'll continue to develop new technologies that will be fully compatible with my implant now, instead of introducing new implants that will leave me in the dust.

So, I frantically fired away a series of emails to the patient care coordinator, telling her I really wasn't sure and needed to see the processors again and discuss it with the audiologist. I promised it would only take 10 minutes if that was all they could spare. Jenny set me up for 3:30, cheerfully. I was thrilled- a same day appointment so that this didn't have to weigh on my mind and confuse me any further.

I had stated that one of my main desires is to be able to listen to music, and not have to deal with a bunch of wires and cables. I found out this morning (which led to some of my confusion over which company to choose) that the Nucleus Freedom allows you to open up the back of the processor (the thing that you wear on your ear) and simply plug in your iPod or music player. No swapping earhooks or whatever. But I wouldn't let that be the only factor, in my decision.

HOWEVER, the audiologist (Tina) explained how it would work with BOTH companies and some of the comments left on this post were REALLY helpful, because I had some idea of how things could work. I wrote down on the bright yellow pad, "I heard that you could hook an ipod up to the Harmony but still keep noise of the environment around or turn it on and off, so that I don't have to swap earhooks. Is this true??" Tina looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "Absolutely. Yes. You actually just can direct connect the cord to the ipod" and showed me. It wasn't as complicated as it had sounded upon reading it.

So, given the fact I really dislike the Freedom's cord/headpiece, I happily kept in mind the many great recommendations and tips left on this topic by people eager to help and people that had very helpful and valid points. Thank you all!!!

I also rethought the fact about the MRI. I won't be getting many MRIs hopefully, but Tina and her intern VERY helpfully informed me that getting the magnet removed isn't a big surgery. They just cut through muscle and take it out, simple!

I feel so much better about this and have been able to completely answer all my questions as well as revise the post that was here earlier. I had been confused about which was "better." So all in all, the dilemma is... SOLVED!

I am getting an Advanced Bionics cochlear implant, the Harmony make and with a sienna-colored BTE (earpiece). It also turns out that they have a TON of caps and colors and they said for me to just remind them and they'll give me those!! So I'll be fashionable, haha. I think I'll be rocking the metallic blue cap most of the time though, as I just love the color blue.

Thanks again to everyone who helped! Also, I'm really getting excited. I picked up a copy of the book Rebuilt by Michael Clorost, and so far am almost done with the book. It is both intriguing and sad, but immensely helpful in realizing some of what to expect.