Iron Man Movie Part 2

But I'll admit, I was still a bit plussed over kind of having to really look my "difference" in its face. Usually I can get away with not having to encounter anything that really makes me think too much about it. So, I guess the stress of having felt embarrassed in addition to the tension I've been feeling about the surgery kind of just all added up. Ian could tell something was wrong and he walked me to my dorm room and then asked what was wrong. It took me a moment to think of how to articulate it and then when I did; I just fell apart.

I do NOT cry about being deaf, but this time I did. To me, it's something that has been sort of positive, in a sense. I stand out more and people remember me easier, and as seeing I'm an outgoing person and love attention, it works for me. I also think that it can serve as a lesson to others- or so others have told me. I'm encouraging and even "inspiring." I really just view myself as ordinary, but if I inspire others or encourage them to keep going, then that's great! I believe each single one of us has something unique to ourselves (that we don't always recognize) that can help others.

I cried and ...I really didn't like it. I hate being so vulnerable or crying, ESPECIALLY if it's over a side of me that people rarely see. But Ian was great. He tucked me into bed and told me everything would be alright and that it all would look up in the morning, as well as other things.

I confessed to him, among other things, that I was afraid, because of the high uncertainty associated with this. There are no definite outcomes. You just do it, and basically hope for the best. But the conclusion I keep reaching is this: Despite everything, I really can't know so all I can do is DO it and then work my hardest during the training sessions. The only other option is to NOT do this. And that isn't an option to me anymore.

Iron Man Movie Part 1

So, Ian, Scott, and I saw Iron Man last night. We had to drive to downtown Seattle to the Cinerama, so I could see the movie too. (That theater rocks for being in Seattle and for having subtitles!!!) It is fortunately not far from my dorm. The way the subtitles work at the movie is they're backwards in a red script at the back of the theatre, in a little box. So, I have a black transparent reflector screen about 8 inches long. But to me, it felt painfully conspicious.

Sure, it wasn't a full theatre. Sure, nobody seemed to be staring. Sure, some people would think it was "cool."

But to me, it was another testament of my difference. It's the mere fact I can NEVER (and never is a painful word for someone who (hehe) never accepts "never") go to a theater without needing accommodations such as this. And it is very rare theatres have them, so I should be glad Seattle has one. I called another theater in Seattle and found out they only had subtitles for one movie, which WASN'T Iron Man. So I was thrilled when Cinerama said they had subtitles for Iron Man. I kept asking them to confirm that they really did have it for all the showings, not just one.

However, when it came time to buy my ticket, I asked for one, slid my debit card over, and then followed Ian and Scott. I finally poked Ian and mentioned I needed to get the "stupid screen." He was confused by my behavior, while I thought it was OBVIOUS I was embarrassed by having to ask for it, much less carry it, or adjust it in the theatre. He asked for it, and the ticket-seller gave me it, to which I proceeded to walk very fast to the theatre. It may sound silly but I just felt like a standing duck, and wanted to get into cover of darkness. It's making me laugh upon recall because it does sound silly, but it really sucked to me, at the time.

I was talking to Brian (my awesome uncle) on my phone in silent mode, during the previews, since I had been talking to him since before I entered the theatre. I started complaining a bit about how stupid I felt having the caption thing and he was saying HE would use it. I felt like he was trying to reassure me, even if it was partly true. After all, why use it if you can hear? I honestly cannot imagine how easy it would be to just sit down and HEAR and KNOW what people are saying.... that seems so amazing to me. What's even more out-there is that people take this for granted, since just about everyone can do this from an early age.

So, anyway, I didn't want to use the caption so I didn't use it for the first 10 minutes or so, and then I finally just sucked it up and used it. The movie was pretty good, although not AMAZING. The CG was incredible though and the main actor just STEALS the whole movie. He did insanely well. So overall it was a good experience. (See Part 2)

CAT Scan

I had the CAT scan today. This will give the doctor a way to see if one ear is "better" than another in terms of anatomy, for operating on. The image generated from the CAT scan will also be his "roadmap!"

It was funny because they had given me a paper at my last appointment that said before the CAT scan I couldn't eat for 4 hours prior, and it also mentioned I might get a shot (of fluid that would make parts clearer.) So I went in, having taken all my earrings out already and expecting to get a shot. But the wait time was actually LONGER than the actual scan itself.

All I did was lie down on my back and then on my stomach and the machine scanned my head. It was VERY wide and not what I thought it would look like. I was in and out of the scanning room in what felt like 15 minutes!! It seemed like no preparation was really required.

Now to wait for the results of THIS one. But really, you don't wait for results. It's more that if anything IS wrong they'll tell you. If not, they just don't mention it.

Another goalpost down.

Cruise/Journalism

I found out today via an email sent to me (and then later that day, an official acceptance letter!) that I was accepted into the journalism program, which is very competitive. I'm like, "Yipee!!"

Today was also the cruise for my oceanography class, which was a blast :)

It was a really nice way to start my day- psyched to go on a ship and then getting an acceptance email right before we all loaded into the van to go to the docks!

Sorry for the lack of details on this! We did a lot of scientific things, basically.

ABR Test

I had the ABR test today at 1:30pm. ABR stands for Auditory Brainwave Response.

Basically what they do is they put a few electrodes on your head and you have to sit still for a hour or so with your eyes shut, while clicks occur. The electrodes pick up brain wave activity in the auditory parts of the brain, so that an estimate of how much hearing I have can be detected.

Simply put: It was really really boring! I had to keep my eyes shut the whole time and I didn't fall asleep until probably halfway through the test but I did keep waking up (without opening my eyes!)

However, this is another goalpost down since this is one of the requirements of the candidacy procedures. I've already had my audiogram faxed to them, so this was the next step- to retest hearing. I was a bit nervous that I would pass! I mean, I know I wouldn't but part of me was nervous that for some bizarre reason I wouldn't "fail" it well enough to qualify!!

I have to wait about a week or two for the results.... but I'm pretty sure I'll fail anyway. I hope. Hehe. It's funny to be hoping to fail a test!

Blackbird

I've become a bit obsessed with this site: http://tonometric.com/adaptivepitch/

I'm determined to improve my hearing abilities/recognition. I REALLY want to be able to appreciate music and be able to distinguish songs if at all possible? I seem to have very low auditory memory for music. This doesn't stop me from enjoying it, true, but as a general rule I really can't distinguish melodies and as a result it doesn't even play in as a factor for when I hear music. This isn't "normal" and I really want to attain a deeper appreciation of music. So, I've become addicted to this site!

Ian and I hung out and played around with listening to music a bit. Before we started dating, he made me mix CDS of "great music" and we sat in my mom's living room with the lights dimmed, so I could just LISTEN.

Ian mentioned that I didn't seem to be able to keep the beat of any songs, which frustrated me because I felt that when I didn't use hearing aids I could find the beat by feeling but now that I use hearing aids the sensation of the music and the SOUND mix and confuse me. So I can't pick out the beat easily, oddly. The ONLY song I could find the beat to was a recording of "Blackbird" by The Beatles. This was only because it has a metronome steadily playing in the background, which Ian oddly said he never noticed before until I pointed out there was some kind of steady beat. I lose it though when he starts singing.

Upon closer reflection I found it REALLY ironic that the ONLY song I can confidently find the beat to has lyrics that seriously inspire me (they're the Beatles, man!) but also really reflect how I feel about my whole journey towards hearing music (and everything else) better. I feel like I've been waiting so long and that this could potentially really be a significant difference in my life.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Implant Date

I was supposed to get it May 19th but between all the pre-op appointments required and the time frame I have, it is moved to June 16th! :( I know it will probably be for the best (less rushed for one) but aww! I really don't want to wait! Eh, it'll be good. I was really annoyed at first but now I'm glad because my mom can take time off now, and everything.