Perhaps I need to just let it all out
Perhaps I need to go for a good long walk
Perhaps I need to take time for myself- more than the small snatches I don't feel belong to me, because I am always supposed to do something else.
Perhaps I need to take a break?
Perhaps I can do it, indeed, I know I can.
Perhaps I need to stop thinking some people are looking at me oddly when I can't be voiced for correctly or when I can't catch what they're saying fast enough
Perhaps I need to believe in myself more
Perhaps I need to believe in myself less? (As not to get my hopes up)
Perhaps I need some perspective-
Actually I know I do but where from? I'm one of those people who, with a moment of eyes-closed, "let it all in," can almost successfully leave my current train of thought and take an outsider view of my current situation. I know I shouldn't be so dramatic but at the same time I know others would go mad- ABSOLUTELY MAD- if they had to communicate without voice for half a day let less 19 years.
Perhaps I need to just shape up
Perhaps I shouldn't post this- it's not as eloquent and just sounds whiny.
What AM I saying here? Oooo, existential crisis?
I want to put my life on hold, step out of it, and devote a month or two to intensive studying for my implant. And to draw, write, and finally get that website up. Not just for myself but for the people I hope to help with it as well.
I want to take what they called a "sabbatical" ... what I am doing right now is NOT working.
Don't worry, I'm not as ... whatever I sound right now. I'm just walking around outside of the Hearing clinic, waiting for my appointment at 11:30.
After a morning in which I felt like things were definitely not working with the interpreters in class. Not because they don't do well- they do. But because it isn't the right option for me.
I never want to depend on sign, as far as I'm concerned. I want to meet with Thom again and speak to him- REALLY speak, instead of having to ask my wonderful, brilliant boyfriend to translate.
I want to be able to do this with everyone I meet, because most people I know don't sign or don't sign that well.
Yet, I know I'm really blessed. I have a great group of friends, both online and in person. I have the CI- I have the help I'm getting for it. I even have UW resources.
Perhaps......perhaps, what?
I'll probably go back and erase this before anyone gets to see it. But I'm posting it right now because I don't trust my phone to successfully save it without erasing it, except if I actually press the "Post" button which posts it to the web.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Election Day 2008!
A historical moment has been upon us for this past year and even longer before that, before I even knew who McCain or Obama was.
And finally, it is here. Election Day!!
So. Let's look at some of the important issues and interesting considerations the next president of America will take on his plate:
140,000 American troops are in Iraq.
10- More than 10% (to be exact, 15%) of Americans are uninsured medically
90 guns per 100 people in the U.S- the most armed country in the world (Reuters news)
8.5 million barrels of oil produced per day in U.S (we use 20.7 million a day)
70% of 8th graders can't read at grade level
6 wars going on around the world currently (Yes, I'm surprised it's "only" six too)
550,000-650,000 illegal immigrants in New York alone, not counting other states
485,000,000,000 federal budget deficit
3 million pregnancies a year are unintended- out of those, 1.3 million pregnancies are ended
2 states out of 50 that allow same-sex marriage (California & Massachusetts)
1 nation (as divided as it may feel right now between the two parties, we ARE one nation)
I have to admit that I am glad to live in the U.S, even despite the fact America has become increasingly unpopular over the last few years, despite the fact I have been sickened to hear the wild rumors slung from both sides of the fence that cost both candidates some validity in my mind, despite the fact we have a lot of problems right now, and despite the fact that I am very much an "independent" or "liberal" which leads me to feel that the party system doesn't work very well.
But it is precisely because of the overused concept of "freedom" that I am able to have an opinion- to uphold my main mindset of true equality and freedom- that we, as people (not just as Americans), should be allowed to live our lives in the fullest way possible. I believe the government should not interfere much with people's lives, but rather that "the people" should take it upon themselves to see why they should care and get involved with their community. Idealistic, I know.
In other countries, I might be told to keep my yap to myself. Here, I am allowed to actually try to make a difference. I don't know as much about other countries as I'd like, but thanks to the program at school I am in, I have heard first-hand accounts from people I am glad to call friends - an opinionated outgoing white woman who came from South Africa, a bold and funny Aussie, and a sweet intelligent girl whose parents immigrated from Iran.
The others in my program, though they may "just" be Americans, still continue to offer new perspectives to me in addition to the ones who can offer a look beyond America's borders.
And what a look it is. I have been forced to explore issues that most people would rather ignore but I have learned so much about the differences of people, yet I have seen how very similar people are, as cliche as that sounds.
I am proud that this is the first presidential election I am able to vote in and that so many of my other peers are taking it upon themselves to learn about what candidates support what issues and to get out there and actually get involved.
Okay, you may not like any of the candidates but you can't deny that today is a historic day and that maybe, just maybe, the next four years will be good for America.
It's interesting because I have always hated the word "disability"- I still do. I don't think it's a good word to use because it has negative connotations at times. Yet, in the past few years, disability rights and issues have gotten more focus than usual. This is great! My youngest brother is Autistic. I capitalize this word because it seems like it should be. He is a magnificent singer, an adorable boy, a good reader, and many years ago, it would have been common advice to put him into an institute. It would have been common advice to put me into one too, because of my deafness.
How far we all have come, as a nation that promotes equality and access.
So, when I thought of the issues that hit closest to home for me, I immediately thought "disability rights." Where do the candidates stand on bilateral implants, which some of the amazing bloggers, like Jennifer and David, struggled for so long to get approved for? Where do they stand on captioning more things? What about education for "special-needs"? Unfortunately, they aren't asked those very specific questions. But we can look at where they stand on health care, social security, or education, and gather a probable idea of how it will affect closely-tied things.
I want the future generation, some of whom may end up with autistic brothers too, or deaf, or blind, or with ADHD, to not have to struggle as hard as some of us have needed to. I was fortunate to have the state pay completely for my implant surgery, which was approved within weeks. Others wait months and even years (Jennifer and Amanda Conde)
I believe though, that change in those areas will mainly happen thanks to the perseverance of "local" people, not the big shots up in D.C. We will see better laws being made to protect, to bring access, to fund better, and whatever else is sorely lacking right now. It may not happen as soon as we hope. My mother had to continually advocate for me for years, to get interpreters and to mainstream me before it was common to do so.
Today, I will say that yes, I have a "disability". But I live in a country that allows so much free speech that we can push for laws and new policies, for ourselves, each other, and people who haven't even come yet.
As flawed as America is, I still have hope.
So, go out there and vote!!!!
And finally, it is here. Election Day!!
So. Let's look at some of the important issues and interesting considerations the next president of America will take on his plate:
140,000 American troops are in Iraq.
10- More than 10% (to be exact, 15%) of Americans are uninsured medically
90 guns per 100 people in the U.S- the most armed country in the world (Reuters news)
8.5 million barrels of oil produced per day in U.S (we use 20.7 million a day)
70% of 8th graders can't read at grade level
6 wars going on around the world currently (Yes, I'm surprised it's "only" six too)
550,000-650,000 illegal immigrants in New York alone, not counting other states
485,000,000,000 federal budget deficit
3 million pregnancies a year are unintended- out of those, 1.3 million pregnancies are ended
2 states out of 50 that allow same-sex marriage (California & Massachusetts)
1 nation (as divided as it may feel right now between the two parties, we ARE one nation)
I have to admit that I am glad to live in the U.S, even despite the fact America has become increasingly unpopular over the last few years, despite the fact I have been sickened to hear the wild rumors slung from both sides of the fence that cost both candidates some validity in my mind, despite the fact we have a lot of problems right now, and despite the fact that I am very much an "independent" or "liberal" which leads me to feel that the party system doesn't work very well.
But it is precisely because of the overused concept of "freedom" that I am able to have an opinion- to uphold my main mindset of true equality and freedom- that we, as people (not just as Americans), should be allowed to live our lives in the fullest way possible. I believe the government should not interfere much with people's lives, but rather that "the people" should take it upon themselves to see why they should care and get involved with their community. Idealistic, I know.
In other countries, I might be told to keep my yap to myself. Here, I am allowed to actually try to make a difference. I don't know as much about other countries as I'd like, but thanks to the program at school I am in, I have heard first-hand accounts from people I am glad to call friends - an opinionated outgoing white woman who came from South Africa, a bold and funny Aussie, and a sweet intelligent girl whose parents immigrated from Iran.
The others in my program, though they may "just" be Americans, still continue to offer new perspectives to me in addition to the ones who can offer a look beyond America's borders.
And what a look it is. I have been forced to explore issues that most people would rather ignore but I have learned so much about the differences of people, yet I have seen how very similar people are, as cliche as that sounds.
I am proud that this is the first presidential election I am able to vote in and that so many of my other peers are taking it upon themselves to learn about what candidates support what issues and to get out there and actually get involved.
Okay, you may not like any of the candidates but you can't deny that today is a historic day and that maybe, just maybe, the next four years will be good for America.
It's interesting because I have always hated the word "disability"- I still do. I don't think it's a good word to use because it has negative connotations at times. Yet, in the past few years, disability rights and issues have gotten more focus than usual. This is great! My youngest brother is Autistic. I capitalize this word because it seems like it should be. He is a magnificent singer, an adorable boy, a good reader, and many years ago, it would have been common advice to put him into an institute. It would have been common advice to put me into one too, because of my deafness.
How far we all have come, as a nation that promotes equality and access.
So, when I thought of the issues that hit closest to home for me, I immediately thought "disability rights." Where do the candidates stand on bilateral implants, which some of the amazing bloggers, like Jennifer and David, struggled for so long to get approved for? Where do they stand on captioning more things? What about education for "special-needs"? Unfortunately, they aren't asked those very specific questions. But we can look at where they stand on health care, social security, or education, and gather a probable idea of how it will affect closely-tied things.
I want the future generation, some of whom may end up with autistic brothers too, or deaf, or blind, or with ADHD, to not have to struggle as hard as some of us have needed to. I was fortunate to have the state pay completely for my implant surgery, which was approved within weeks. Others wait months and even years (Jennifer and Amanda Conde)
I believe though, that change in those areas will mainly happen thanks to the perseverance of "local" people, not the big shots up in D.C. We will see better laws being made to protect, to bring access, to fund better, and whatever else is sorely lacking right now. It may not happen as soon as we hope. My mother had to continually advocate for me for years, to get interpreters and to mainstream me before it was common to do so.
Today, I will say that yes, I have a "disability". But I live in a country that allows so much free speech that we can push for laws and new policies, for ourselves, each other, and people who haven't even come yet.
As flawed as America is, I still have hope.
So, go out there and vote!!!!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Is it a matter of BEATING machine (in which case it is impossible)? Or beating my brain (in which case, my brain just has to learn)?
I am so frustrated with the pitch test right now.
I want to be the best and I won't settle for less.
Hearing aid can hit "normal" for the pitch, alone. Implant hits the pitch deficit. It can't even get to low-normal.... with them combined, my brain is confused. It does well but not great.
I sit with laptop on lap, homework laying beside me undone, obsessively taking the pitch test, over and over. I close my eyes when I have to, because while I hear the pitches loud and clear, I can't place which is higher or lower for some of them. Then I realize, I've pressed the spacebar to repeat perhaps a little too much in my strained effort to distinguish which is which. So I go with my instinct.
I let the silence fall like waves back to the sea, because I suspect the electrodes in my brain aren't firing FAST enough to jump from the previous pair to the next. Then I hit the spacebar. Usually, it's clearer when I've had a second of silence to let my brain wipe the slate clean.
I WILL get this.
I am so frustrated with the pitch test right now.
I want to be the best and I won't settle for less.
Hearing aid can hit "normal" for the pitch, alone. Implant hits the pitch deficit. It can't even get to low-normal.... with them combined, my brain is confused. It does well but not great.
I sit with laptop on lap, homework laying beside me undone, obsessively taking the pitch test, over and over. I close my eyes when I have to, because while I hear the pitches loud and clear, I can't place which is higher or lower for some of them. Then I realize, I've pressed the spacebar to repeat perhaps a little too much in my strained effort to distinguish which is which. So I go with my instinct.
I let the silence fall like waves back to the sea, because I suspect the electrodes in my brain aren't firing FAST enough to jump from the previous pair to the next. Then I hit the spacebar. Usually, it's clearer when I've had a second of silence to let my brain wipe the slate clean.
I WILL get this.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Question
Has anyone experienced this? I've been out of batteries for my right ear (hearing aid) for about two weeks now, so I've been using only the implant.
But, when I listen to music.... like for example, I was listening to Oasis' Wonderwall just to listen to it and it suddenly seemed like I COULD hear in my right ear. Not like I was actually picking up sound... but as though that side was picking up or filling in the space.... almost like a "phantom" ear. I don't mean tinnitus or anything.
Right now, I lack the ability to explain this. Maybe one of you will know what I mean?
:)
But, when I listen to music.... like for example, I was listening to Oasis' Wonderwall just to listen to it and it suddenly seemed like I COULD hear in my right ear. Not like I was actually picking up sound... but as though that side was picking up or filling in the space.... almost like a "phantom" ear. I don't mean tinnitus or anything.
Right now, I lack the ability to explain this. Maybe one of you will know what I mean?
:)
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Returning to School Part 1: Cued Speech & Accurate Sound Representation
So, while I wear my implant all the time, I hear but not HEAR- I only truly understand the environmental noises. And while that is wildly useful (Some noises I've noticed in this past month: oven timer beeping, the door opening signaling the arrival of someone, being able to follow voices in my class discussion) I want MORE.
Classes loomed over me and with it, a certain sadness. It had everything to do with the monotonous repetition of sameness in how I process information. That is to say, I use sign language interpreters. I wanted it to be different yet I had known it wouldn't be this quarter.
I had a CART transcriber for my first two classes of chemistry. CART stands for Communication Access Realtime Translation. Basically, someone sits next to me with a special typewriter that is connected to a small laptop, and allows them to type down everything that's being said. It was very fascinating to see it in practice since she did indeed capture EVERYTHING that was being said by the professor (although not actually in realtime, more like a 7 second lag) It felt like the human dimension was being taken away although I loved the direct verbatim style, because I am wildly fond of reading and absorb well that way.
So, she asked if I liked it and said she'd love to transcribe for me the rest of the quarter. I replied that I liked it. I didn't say anything about her transcribing, though. I wish I could have both- the human interaction and the amazing accuracy without the paraphasing that can sometimes occur with interpreters.
An idea began simmering at the edge of my mind.... Since I can access the SOUNDS of language with my implant, why should I have to watch sign language interpreters if there's OTHER interpreters out there who can represent what I'm hearing more accurately? With sign language there's a slight lag as well as the problematic tendency of people using words that aren't present in sign language, so they get converted to their simplistic versions. The only example I can think of doesn't have to do with vocabulary but rather with English cliches, but I hope you will get the idea. If someone were to say the phrase, "elbow grease" it'd get signed as "hard work."
There is a way to match up signs with sounds other than SEE (Signing Exact English). It's called cued speech. Cued speech is the use of 8 handshapes to represent consonant sounds and 4 handshapes to represent vowels.
It's not a language, but rather a way of representing what's already there. Cued speech is universal, which also came of great interest to me. You can cue in Spanish, even cue a Southern dialect with accurate representation.
I started researching with a zest and emailing people. I asked my school if it was possible to get a cued speech interpreter. The response was:
"There is *one* cued speech interpreter in Washington State (that I know of). She lives in the Seattle area. We might be able to get her for future quarters.
This is something you'd want to discuss with us though."
I thought, "Hmm... so I WOULD be able to get a cued speech transliterator if I wanted to. Let's go ahead and learn it then!"
How does this apply to those of you with cochlear implants? Well, it can help with better lipreading, more accurate matching-up of sounds with words and maintain or improve speech. For me, I wish 110% to learn speech better so I can communicate easier with others. I also really want to redirect my brain to the IMPLANT, the auditory part of things instead of the visual. I found a site at http://www.blogger.com/www.cuedspeech.com that said:
So, knowing that HSDC teaches cued speech to infants, I emailed them asking about if they knew where I could learn. Turns out they have an upcoming workshop for cued speech October 17 and 18th!! Both are all day but only $10 for me. Such a good deal because I know there are people who are professionals who will have to pay $120 for the same workshop. I'm going for sure. It will be easier learning from someone instead of going through it myself in a disorganized manner.
I worry, What if I am really terrible at cueing? What if I can't remember any of it? What if I fall in love with cueing? Even, what if I don't and this means I've exhausted all the possible options for language out there? Will it be hard to teach people close to me cued speech?
Those things don't matter yet and I know that. But I'm REALLY hoping I won't be bad at cueing and it'll be relatively easy to learn, needless to say!
The downfall is that there are not many cuers in this area. Cueing is actually practically unheard of around here. I was surprised to find that my mom, who works with deaf people, hadn't heard of cued speech.
I look forward to coming back and discussing how the workshop went, if it helps my speech in the long run, and seeing if I end up using cued speech in the future for classes or even for daily interaction!!
In the meantime, here is more information on cued speech. I encourage you to leave comments & thoughts.
Cued Speech Association Information Page
Short 10 Minute Film (With sign language interpretation, captions, and spoken English)
Classes loomed over me and with it, a certain sadness. It had everything to do with the monotonous repetition of sameness in how I process information. That is to say, I use sign language interpreters. I wanted it to be different yet I had known it wouldn't be this quarter.
I had a CART transcriber for my first two classes of chemistry. CART stands for Communication Access Realtime Translation. Basically, someone sits next to me with a special typewriter that is connected to a small laptop, and allows them to type down everything that's being said. It was very fascinating to see it in practice since she did indeed capture EVERYTHING that was being said by the professor (although not actually in realtime, more like a 7 second lag) It felt like the human dimension was being taken away although I loved the direct verbatim style, because I am wildly fond of reading and absorb well that way.
So, she asked if I liked it and said she'd love to transcribe for me the rest of the quarter. I replied that I liked it. I didn't say anything about her transcribing, though. I wish I could have both- the human interaction and the amazing accuracy without the paraphasing that can sometimes occur with interpreters.
An idea began simmering at the edge of my mind.... Since I can access the SOUNDS of language with my implant, why should I have to watch sign language interpreters if there's OTHER interpreters out there who can represent what I'm hearing more accurately? With sign language there's a slight lag as well as the problematic tendency of people using words that aren't present in sign language, so they get converted to their simplistic versions. The only example I can think of doesn't have to do with vocabulary but rather with English cliches, but I hope you will get the idea. If someone were to say the phrase, "elbow grease" it'd get signed as "hard work."
There is a way to match up signs with sounds other than SEE (Signing Exact English). It's called cued speech. Cued speech is the use of 8 handshapes to represent consonant sounds and 4 handshapes to represent vowels.
It's not a language, but rather a way of representing what's already there. Cued speech is universal, which also came of great interest to me. You can cue in Spanish, even cue a Southern dialect with accurate representation.
I started researching with a zest and emailing people. I asked my school if it was possible to get a cued speech interpreter. The response was:
"There is *one* cued speech interpreter in Washington State (that I know of). She lives in the Seattle area. We might be able to get her for future quarters.
This is something you'd want to discuss with us though."
I thought, "Hmm... so I WOULD be able to get a cued speech transliterator if I wanted to. Let's go ahead and learn it then!"
How does this apply to those of you with cochlear implants? Well, it can help with better lipreading, more accurate matching-up of sounds with words and maintain or improve speech. For me, I wish 110% to learn speech better so I can communicate easier with others. I also really want to redirect my brain to the IMPLANT, the auditory part of things instead of the visual. I found a site at http://www.blogger.com/www.cuedspeech.com that said:
Speech
If development of speech is desired, Cued Speech can support speech and articulation skills by:
- focusing attention on the mouth
- reinforcing the pattern of phonemes within a word or phrase
- identifying the speech sound(s) and syllables being targeted
- being a motoric reminder and trigger of speech production
- integrating sound, sight, and motor aspects to make learning more fun!
So, knowing that HSDC teaches cued speech to infants, I emailed them asking about if they knew where I could learn. Turns out they have an upcoming workshop for cued speech October 17 and 18th!! Both are all day but only $10 for me. Such a good deal because I know there are people who are professionals who will have to pay $120 for the same workshop. I'm going for sure. It will be easier learning from someone instead of going through it myself in a disorganized manner.
I worry, What if I am really terrible at cueing? What if I can't remember any of it? What if I fall in love with cueing? Even, what if I don't and this means I've exhausted all the possible options for language out there? Will it be hard to teach people close to me cued speech?
Those things don't matter yet and I know that. But I'm REALLY hoping I won't be bad at cueing and it'll be relatively easy to learn, needless to say!
The downfall is that there are not many cuers in this area. Cueing is actually practically unheard of around here. I was surprised to find that my mom, who works with deaf people, hadn't heard of cued speech.
I look forward to coming back and discussing how the workshop went, if it helps my speech in the long run, and seeing if I end up using cued speech in the future for classes or even for daily interaction!!
In the meantime, here is more information on cued speech. I encourage you to leave comments & thoughts.
Cued Speech Association Information Page
Short 10 Minute Film (With sign language interpretation, captions, and spoken English)
Saturday, September 27, 2008
CPR Class
I got my CPR & First Aid certificate today! I'm glad. The class was a bit annoying though, since it could have been compressed into 3 hours instead of the 9 hours it took! I finally just said, "Can I just take the test? I know this material already and don't want to review it." So they let me leave 45 minutes early and take the test but then I had to stay and wait! I wished I had just asked about taking it early earlier than I did! I got 100% though on both the written and the CPR skills test so I was really excited because it helped to know I CAN help someone if they ever need it.
This was something I wrote on my phone during a break.
We speak in nuances buried upon nuances. We never say something simply even if we believe we just said a simple statement.
We laughingly say, "You got me." Or we say with a note of awe, eyebrows raised slightly, "The sunset was beautiful." Rarely do we say something without at least betraying our emotions.
Yesterday, I was told I had an expressive face by a classmate. I didn't think that I did but I guess I do? And apparently, it helps classmates understand what my "verbal" tone is when the interpreters don't get it through aptly enough at times (even though their voice-interpreting may have been 100% correct.) How much do I betray that I am unaware of?
The class was held at the Hearing, Speech, and Deafness Center (HSDC) in Seattle. This was also where I went to the program PIP (parent-infant-program) with my parents as a baby. I mentioned that to someone who worked there (Karen?) and she gasped. She then excitedly led me through the remodeled building to a room I had a sensation of familiarity in. On the walls hung pictures and one of the pictures showed the 1989 PIP people. There I was, sitting on my father's lap. I was surprised to see they STILL had pictures from 19 years ago. Karen asked me if we could talk later, since she was interested in finding out what happened to the kids from PIP for follow-up studies. I asked how many children in the PIP program had cochlear implants or if those kids went to Children's for therapy and as a result didn't go to PIP. She said two children in the program had implants but were learning ASL (PIP teaches people ASL and assists with early-intervention). The rest weren't implanted. Cued speech (a system of representing a language's sounds/phonemes visually) was also occasionally taught there in addition to the various types of sign.
This struck a cord in me, thinking of children who could be speaking and being able to keep up with friends in groups in the future, who weren't. So later, I called the center and acquired the phone number and email of the director of PIP. I emailed her asking if I could speak to the parents there about my experiences growing up deaf, things that helped me, and my opinion of having a cochlear implant. I REALLY hope they allow me to speak there and this is definitely something I will pursue because I feel it is SO essential that those parents get all possible perspectives and understand how much a cochlear implant does but also how sign language is beneficial. I do understand it's a sticky situation because there is a lot of controversy and the fact these parents are already in PIP kind of suggests the route they're considering. I don't claim to know all the answers nor would I presume to, but I really think cochlear implants are THE way to fully ensure your child is involved in the world around them.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Cochlear Implants & Deaf Culture
How hectic it's been lately! School started today. I found that while I know where all the buildings are now and can even direct someone to a building easily, managing my time isn't quite as easy. Sigh.
I know someone who is getting their wisdom teeth out and that person was talking about how they were afraid. I sympathetized but felt bad for the immediate reaction I had in my mind which was this:
Afraid of a simple dental procedure? That is NOTHING compared to consenting to getting your head drilled into, for an implant you hope you'll like but which you really have little clue as to what to expect and where you received 10 stitches and two permanent bumps on your head.
I find that after receiving the CI, I am less worried about other procedures that I or others might have done to us. I also find that the CI has empowered me in other odd ways. I'm more confident about my choice to make decisions because I made what is one of the biggest decisions of my life and I haven't regretted it for a single moment. Some people thought I would but I haven't. Like I say, "The only thing I regret is not having done it sooner."
I was texting with Tess, who I've known since I was 6 months old and who is profoundly deaf. She uses interpreters in school when she goes to school. She said, "I still can't believe you got an implant. I wouldn't have!"
I really can't relate to that sentiment at all, which simultaneously saddened and excited me. Saddened because it is yet another distinction of how I am far removed from the "deaf culture" and excited because I really am that much different than the usual "mindset." I don't mean this in a bad way at all. I am an advocate of sign language (for babies as well!) but I am not an advocate of it when it is used alone.
Many deaf people seem more receptive to the CI than in the 90s. When I tell a Deaf person I have an implant, they immediately ask, "Does it work?" then "Doesn't the constant sound drive you crazy?"
Then of course I get high-spirited and tell them of how much the CI has changed my life and how happy I am I have it. Then the usual reaction I get is one of interested listening and then a statement of how it wouldn't benefit them but it's good I like it. At least they aren't shutting me out. I just constantly wonder, "Do I REALLY think that differently? Why aren't more prelingually deaf people getting implants or at least as curious as I was that it bothers them everyday wondering "What if"?"
There is a slang word that exists in culture today- "Oreo," signifying a black person who is white on the inside. There is actually also a sign in the deaf culture for a deaf person that thinks like a hearing person and is usually integrated in the culture. It is the sign for "hearing," but signed near the forehead to signify they are "hearing-in-their-mind." This person usually doesn't have much sense of deaf culture or chooses to live outside it.
I've been called "hearing-in-the-mind" and finally began identifying myself as "hearing-in-the-mind" when deaf people would ask me if I was deaf, hard of hearing, or hearing. It was ample enough to summarize why I sign in Exact English, why I write and read as well as I do, as well as to explain the fact I (wanted to and now have) an implant which makes me uniquely both deaf and hearing.
There is no word like this in hearing culture. I have to explain I can't understand speech yet, although I hear the fan whirring above us and their voice as they ask, perfectly. I have to explain I don't use ASL. It gets tiring explaining but even tiring when people automatically assume that I use ASL because I am deaf and I never get a chance to explain so I have to find a way to slip it in there somewhere.
I feel a constant worry when meeting new people who have taken ASL classes or who think they know things about deaf people, about making sure those people know I'm NOT in the deaf culture because I fear being grouped and as a result, assigned traits that I don't even possess.
But what is unfortunate is that I believe, in order to have people listen to you, they have to feel they can relate to you. (which is probably why Obama is so popular right now, as a side note!) I want to get through to the deaf population about the usefulness of cochlear implants and about other things they might not be huge fans of. I can personally switch over to following deaf culture and customs, to signing ASL if need be, but I can never truly give myself over to it.
I used to have some people criticize me greatly for that but it seems that the deaf culture and the hearing culture, over the years, have learned how to soften both their positions and find a more common ground. I'm glad to see that because there are advantages to BOTH so there's no reason to have just one if you can have the other as well.
I know someone who is getting their wisdom teeth out and that person was talking about how they were afraid. I sympathetized but felt bad for the immediate reaction I had in my mind which was this:
Afraid of a simple dental procedure? That is NOTHING compared to consenting to getting your head drilled into, for an implant you hope you'll like but which you really have little clue as to what to expect and where you received 10 stitches and two permanent bumps on your head.
I find that after receiving the CI, I am less worried about other procedures that I or others might have done to us. I also find that the CI has empowered me in other odd ways. I'm more confident about my choice to make decisions because I made what is one of the biggest decisions of my life and I haven't regretted it for a single moment. Some people thought I would but I haven't. Like I say, "The only thing I regret is not having done it sooner."
I was texting with Tess, who I've known since I was 6 months old and who is profoundly deaf. She uses interpreters in school when she goes to school. She said, "I still can't believe you got an implant. I wouldn't have!"
I really can't relate to that sentiment at all, which simultaneously saddened and excited me. Saddened because it is yet another distinction of how I am far removed from the "deaf culture" and excited because I really am that much different than the usual "mindset." I don't mean this in a bad way at all. I am an advocate of sign language (for babies as well!) but I am not an advocate of it when it is used alone.
Many deaf people seem more receptive to the CI than in the 90s. When I tell a Deaf person I have an implant, they immediately ask, "Does it work?" then "Doesn't the constant sound drive you crazy?"
Then of course I get high-spirited and tell them of how much the CI has changed my life and how happy I am I have it. Then the usual reaction I get is one of interested listening and then a statement of how it wouldn't benefit them but it's good I like it. At least they aren't shutting me out. I just constantly wonder, "Do I REALLY think that differently? Why aren't more prelingually deaf people getting implants or at least as curious as I was that it bothers them everyday wondering "What if"?"
There is a slang word that exists in culture today- "Oreo," signifying a black person who is white on the inside. There is actually also a sign in the deaf culture for a deaf person that thinks like a hearing person and is usually integrated in the culture. It is the sign for "hearing," but signed near the forehead to signify they are "hearing-in-their-mind." This person usually doesn't have much sense of deaf culture or chooses to live outside it.
I've been called "hearing-in-the-mind" and finally began identifying myself as "hearing-in-the-mind" when deaf people would ask me if I was deaf, hard of hearing, or hearing. It was ample enough to summarize why I sign in Exact English, why I write and read as well as I do, as well as to explain the fact I (wanted to and now have) an implant which makes me uniquely both deaf and hearing.
There is no word like this in hearing culture. I have to explain I can't understand speech yet, although I hear the fan whirring above us and their voice as they ask, perfectly. I have to explain I don't use ASL. It gets tiring explaining but even tiring when people automatically assume that I use ASL because I am deaf and I never get a chance to explain so I have to find a way to slip it in there somewhere.
I feel a constant worry when meeting new people who have taken ASL classes or who think they know things about deaf people, about making sure those people know I'm NOT in the deaf culture because I fear being grouped and as a result, assigned traits that I don't even possess.
But what is unfortunate is that I believe, in order to have people listen to you, they have to feel they can relate to you. (which is probably why Obama is so popular right now, as a side note!) I want to get through to the deaf population about the usefulness of cochlear implants and about other things they might not be huge fans of. I can personally switch over to following deaf culture and customs, to signing ASL if need be, but I can never truly give myself over to it.
I used to have some people criticize me greatly for that but it seems that the deaf culture and the hearing culture, over the years, have learned how to soften both their positions and find a more common ground. I'm glad to see that because there are advantages to BOTH so there's no reason to have just one if you can have the other as well.
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