Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Perhaps I need to just cry

Perhaps I need to just let it all out
Perhaps I need to go for a good long walk
Perhaps I need to take time for myself- more than the small snatches I don't feel belong to me, because I am always supposed to do something else.
Perhaps I need to take a break?
Perhaps I can do it, indeed, I know I can.
Perhaps I need to stop thinking some people are looking at me oddly when I can't be voiced for correctly or when I can't catch what they're saying fast enough
Perhaps I need to believe in myself more
Perhaps I need to believe in myself less? (As not to get my hopes up)
Perhaps I need some perspective-

Actually I know I do but where from? I'm one of those people who, with a moment of eyes-closed, "let it all in," can almost successfully leave my current train of thought and take an outsider view of my current situation. I know I shouldn't be so dramatic but at the same time I know others would go mad- ABSOLUTELY MAD- if they had to communicate without voice for half a day let less 19 years.

Perhaps I need to just shape up
Perhaps I shouldn't post this- it's not as eloquent and just sounds whiny.

What AM I saying here? Oooo, existential crisis?

I want to put my life on hold, step out of it, and devote a month or two to intensive studying for my implant. And to draw, write, and finally get that website up. Not just for myself but for the people I hope to help with it as well.

I want to take what they called a "sabbatical" ... what I am doing right now is NOT working.

Don't worry, I'm not as ... whatever I sound right now. I'm just walking around outside of the Hearing clinic, waiting for my appointment at 11:30.

After a morning in which I felt like things were definitely not working with the interpreters in class. Not because they don't do well- they do. But because it isn't the right option for me.

I never want to depend on sign, as far as I'm concerned. I want to meet with Thom again and speak to him- REALLY speak, instead of having to ask my wonderful, brilliant boyfriend to translate.

I want to be able to do this with everyone I meet, because most people I know don't sign or don't sign that well.

Yet, I know I'm really blessed. I have a great group of friends, both online and in person. I have the CI- I have the help I'm getting for it. I even have UW resources.

Perhaps......perhaps, what?

I'll probably go back and erase this before anyone gets to see it. But I'm posting it right now because I don't trust my phone to successfully save it without erasing it, except if I actually press the "Post" button which posts it to the web.

5 comments:

Jodi Cutler Del Dottore said...

I'm glad you posted it, so that when you have a moment of sunshine, security and pride, you will remember this moment and appreciate it that much more. We all have these moments, hearing or Deaf, it's how we react to them that makes us the individuals we are. I think your reaction demonstrated great character...keep writing and get your website up.
Jodi

Jennifer Bruno Conde said...

Hi Tasha,

Thanks for the suggestion of how to get my photo on HJ. I tried the way you suggested but wasn't able to do it that way. I have a Mac and downloading IrfanView was fruitless. HOWEVER....I played around with it some more and was finally successful! So THANKS!

As for your "Perhaps I need to just cry" post. Perhaps you do. I have confidence that you will do what you need to do for yourself. You are a strong young woman with incredible potential to accomplish whatever it is you want in life.

Jennifer :-)

Dianrez said...

I've had similar feelings, especially when attending a hearing university with no support services whatsoever except for carbon copies of notes.

You're going through a period of testing, pushing your limits, trying different approaches, adjusting your expectations, and I'm afraid, intent on proving that you're not dependent on interpreters.

What can I say? Do continue to test and push your limits, and I am sure when you have finished your education and have settled into life, you will reach a balance that includes all the assistive approaches you have used, even ASL.

This is a temporary phase and the angst will end as you mature. Do not leave out the Deaf Community along the way since there are many like you there. Trust me.

Anonymous said...

What's so bad about depending on sign? Generations of deaf people have done that - HAPPILY - and never had to go through what you are experiencing right now. Sure, they go through their own 'wrestling matches' but it's not about whether they'd die before they'd depend on sign.

Be careful of making statements that are audist - while we all empathize with your challenges, please don't make statements that are negative, especially when talking about such sensitive issues like language, culture and identity.

Simply accept your abilities, and celebrate them, rather than thinking about what you NEVER want to do. Think about what you CAN do and WILL do. If that's "not depending on sign" - good for you. Just don't make it sound so bad because it isn't.

Godspeed.

Jennifer Bruno Conde said...

Tasha,

In this blog post you were expressing your own feelings and attempting to analyze what is right for you. You expressed some really raw emotion during this very introspective post.

You took a chance at putting it in writing and then debated whether or not to delete it before others saw it. I admire you for putting into such an eloquent composition your current painful feelings.

It is your blog and you have every right to express your sentiments. You were not telling others how to feel or what to do, nor were you asking for advice. You were expressing yourself. On your blog. There is more than one way to be deaf. There is not only one right way.

Life is a process. You will find our way.

Jennifer