Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Iron Man Movie Part 2

But I'll admit, I was still a bit plussed over kind of having to really look my "difference" in its face. Usually I can get away with not having to encounter anything that really makes me think too much about it. So, I guess the stress of having felt embarrassed in addition to the tension I've been feeling about the surgery kind of just all added up. Ian could tell something was wrong and he walked me to my dorm room and then asked what was wrong. It took me a moment to think of how to articulate it and then when I did; I just fell apart.

I do NOT cry about being deaf, but this time I did. To me, it's something that has been sort of positive, in a sense. I stand out more and people remember me easier, and as seeing I'm an outgoing person and love attention, it works for me. I also think that it can serve as a lesson to others- or so others have told me. I'm encouraging and even "inspiring." I really just view myself as ordinary, but if I inspire others or encourage them to keep going, then that's great! I believe each single one of us has something unique to ourselves (that we don't always recognize) that can help others.

I cried and ...I really didn't like it. I hate being so vulnerable or crying, ESPECIALLY if it's over a side of me that people rarely see. But Ian was great. He tucked me into bed and told me everything would be alright and that it all would look up in the morning, as well as other things.

I confessed to him, among other things, that I was afraid, because of the high uncertainty associated with this. There are no definite outcomes. You just do it, and basically hope for the best. But the conclusion I keep reaching is this: Despite everything, I really can't know so all I can do is DO it and then work my hardest during the training sessions. The only other option is to NOT do this. And that isn't an option to me anymore.

No comments: